My friend Eric has been very unlucky in love. I mean, we’re talking some really bad luck. I’m not going to go into the details because some of the details are considered confidential until the current court precedings are resolved. Anyway, I wanted to do something to help him out but, even more than that, I wanted to pretend that I was Patti Stanger from Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. (Ignoring the fact that Eric is approximately $1.1 million shy of being an actual millionaire and I would never, ever get those bangs Patti sported all last year.) The first step was pitching the idea to Eric via email (he prefers communicating by text or email):
Okay so, future story idea for the blog: I follow you on your online dating journey. You may be asking yourself, what online dating journey? Well, I was thinking that I would set you up with your own eHarmony account. Then, much like Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, I will correspond with ladies of my choosing and set you up on dates with them. In return for your cooperation, Eric, you will get to go on dates for free (well, you’ll have to pay for the dates but I’ll take care of the eHarmony expenses). Please send me a decent picture of yourself ASAP.
Instead of arguing or refusing or even being excited about the idea, Eric sent me a blank email with several digital photographs as I had requested. I couldn’t believe how easy this was. No need for all my prep work (creating counter-arguments, threats and bribes). I immediately set to work on Eric’s eHarmony profile, being careful to answer the excruciatingly long personalitiy profile honestly without alienating him from all decent prospects, which turned out to be pretty tricky.
Let me give you a little background on Eric. A former pro-wrestler, he is now a self-proclaimed hermit living with four cats leftover from previous relationships. He does not enjoy gatherings of more than two or three people, not because he gets anxious but because he hates most people. He looks like Stephen Baldwin when Stephen Baldwin was on Survivor and he has never, ever dated a female who was not a stripper. He claims that it’s not by choice, but by chance. And it makes sense since the only public places he will visit are his office, the grocery store and strip clubs. He refuses to talk on the phone unless it is via text-messaging yet he wonders why he can’t get a girlfriend that doesn’t have a parole officer or unresolved daddy issues. Now, onto his good points, which is what I, as his matchmaker, will try to force him to focus on: He has a good sense of humor (well, he’s a real smartass, anyways) and a steady job and is too lazy to ever bother cheating on a girl. For his online dating profile, I suavely translated this into: loves to laugh, is settled in a career and values fidelity above all else.
I was not expecting there to be so many suitable matches for Eric even though my only criteria were a) she is not hideous and b) she is not severely mentally ill. When I saw how many matches were coming in (and actually responding) I knew I needed an assistant. I enlisted my friend Molly because she is also very invested in barging into Eric’s personal life whenever possible. Our first meeting went something like this:
Molly: So, I looked at some of your picks for Eric. Maybe I am missing the point of this exercise. What are we looking for?
Marisa: A girl that is not heavily medicated and has a job that doesn’t require her to wear tassels or battery-operated shoes.
Molly: Well, I’m looking for someone that’s not a heffer.
Marisa: We have to be realistic.
Eric: My self-esteem is shooting through the roof.
Molly: Well, Shawna’s failure to include a photo is sending up a red flag for me.
Eric: Wait! What if it’s one of those things where the chick is Megan Fox and she puts no photo and a fake name out there to see if she can find someone who likes her for herself?
Molly: That’s not what’s happening here.
As you can see, we are off to a productive start, having established some criteria for our potential matches and ruling out the possibility of Eric and Megan Fox falling in love. Be sure to check back for continual updates as I
push follow Eric on his search for love.