In college, I felt more free to pursue my dreams. Or maybe I was just more intoxicated, I don’t know. No really, I don’t know, it’s all a blur. Anyway, in 2004, I was Vice President of my sorority and wielded this mighty power to form a (temporary) alliance with a rival (as if) sorority to apply for a special edition of Trading Spaces. We didn’t even receive confirmation of our application. Oh well, the A-O-Pi’s would have ruined our living room anyway. They couldn’t even design a decent Homecoming sweatshirt.
That same year (2004 for those of you who never took Calculus) I was on a family vacation in Los Angeles and ran into the Street Smarts crew. I chatted with the host, Frank Nicotero, who let me pose for a picture with the microphone. Apparently, despite my most desperate efforts, I wasn’t amusing enough. After 15 minutes of awkward forced conversation I walked away.
In 2007, I made it to the final round of auditions for Wheel of Fortune before they cut me, presumably because I would have cleaned house. I did get a lovely golf pencil that said “I tried out for Wheel of Fortune,” totally making up for the four hours spent in traffic to and from auditions and the three hours of PTO I had to use.
My 2009 letter to the producers of NBC’s The Biggest Loser suggesting a special season for average-sized people to get even smoking hotter remains unanswered.
Jump to present time, where I am awaiting word on my most recent venture: A couple months ago my sister and I applied to the show It’s Me or the Dog on the grounds that my five pound dog Mike is such a menace to society — which he is — that he requires an immediate intervention by a trained canine psychologist. Haven’t heard anything back there, either. Meanwhile Mike continues to terrorize the neighborhood.
I recently sold two purses and some other items on eBay in order to fund the purchase of one new purse. That’s the sort of deal I make with myself before a new purchase – it makes me feel more fiscally responsible. Although the truly responsible thing would be to sell the items and save the money. Or to stop buying purses altogether.
One of the items I sold was some fake poop I found in my closet. Not really sure how it got there; you know how these things just sort of appear. Anyhow, I didn’t know what else to do with it as I doubted the Salvation Army or the local church would be interested. Throwing it away seemed tragic so I decided to try and ply my poo on eBay and wouldn’t you know! Someone bought it! Admittedly, the winning bid was $0.74, I offered free shipping and my listing fees totalled $0.35. This put me down by about $2 after shipping costs but the peace of mind of knowing the poo had found a happy home was obviously priceless.
As I was mailing my caca to its new owner, I recalled Jay Leno’s recurring “Stuff We Found on eBay” segment and excitedly pondered the possibility of my poo appearing on late night television. Jay would say, “So what do you think folks? Did it sell?”
“Nooooooo!” the audience would scream.
“It sold! Seventy-four cents!” Jay would announce to a round of laughter and shocked gasps.
I can’t be sure but I don’t think my item was scouted by NBC. So I decided to do the next best thing and scour eBay for items to include in my own segment, “Stuff NBC Didn’t Find But I Sure Did.”
Trailer Home for Birds
The first thing I found was a trailer home bird house for birds down on their luck.
This product is temporarily sold out (or, as the seller writes, temporary sold out) but retails for $24.99. These beauties are custom made, meaning you can have special traditional trailer park accessories (such as a White Sox flag) incorporated into the design.
The next item up for grabs is a lovely bottle of Liquid Ass.
One of the many exciting features of this product includes “an authentic butt crack smell … with hints of dead animal and fresh poop.” The seller promises “unlimited fun” and claims Liquid Ass is “THE BEST of all the stink items on the market.” I am not in the industry so I wouldn’t know a decent “butt crack aroma” if it hit me in the nose but one testimonial from a satisfied customer touts, “I sprayed a small stream of it in my buddy’s office and it ruined his entire day!” No one has bid on this item yet, even though the seller is offering expedited shipping to guarantee your bottle is received in time for Mother’s Day.