So many girls write to me asking, “Marisa, how can I get a guy like this?”:

No caption necessary.
Actually, they don’t but if they did this is what I would tell them: “Sally, to bag a quality guy like this, you must look like this:”
But wait, you might say, I’m not a natural beauty like these girls.  That’s where I come in.  I am here to help you master this look.  And don’t worry, even the most plain Jane can follow this plan – all you need is some disposable income (or a credit card) and minimal regard for your body.

Step 1: Skin
First of all, a sexy natural glow is a crucial first step toward achieving a look that says, “I’m not here for respect; I’m just here for a husband/good time/all-you-can-drink special.”  The look can be created by making sure you get plenty of Vitamin D.  The quickest way to do this is to live inside a tanning bed.  To replicate the looks achieved below you will probably need to tan two-three times daily over the course of several decades:

Twice the pretty.
Try to aim for Christina’s natural-looking tan, as depicted here.
Lindsay Lohan

This is dedication.

 Couples who tan together stay together look hot and lead a healthy lifestyle.
Step 2: Body
You have two options:  Be healthy or cram your excess baggage into clothes that are technically not your size.

The second option is much less time consuming.  Flub can be easily concealed through tanning (see Step 1), slutty corsets (visit your nearest Forever 21) and distraction (i.e., wearing tons of makeup or very little clothing – or some combination of both – so that weight is no longer an issue).  Corsets are great because you can take your armpit fat and shove them into your bra to give your girls an extra boost.

Either way, you are going to want to spend significant time at the gym to snag a guy like this:

Don’t worry, you don’t have to sweat or use any of the equipment.  Many girls choose to simply loiter in a skanky workout outfit, occasionally patting away nonexistent sweat and making frequent trips to the water fountain to replace fluids they aren’t losing.

Hair
Don’t forget to bleach your hair on a regular basis.  The texture should be straw-like and ideally will break off with just a gentle touch.  Don’t worry about this, as extensions can be added to the remaining strands and despite their protests to the contrary, boys really do find it hot when a lump of your fake hair breaks off in their hand.  (It shows that you are vulnerable.)

Total packages Donatella Versace and Christina Aguilera

Some girls choose to go with darker hair because it is more natural looking and sets them apart.  Or sometimes they just want to hook a guy who wears skinny jeans and attends poetry jams.  However, you must still maintain a fried consistency through daily blow drying, straightening, use of extensions and not having time to get your ends trimmed.  Darker haired girls: you are going to want to compensate for your lack of blond hair by wearing an additional layer of makeup and purchasing some colored contacts that subtly suggest you are heavily medicated.

Nails

Oftentimes people neglect their nail care regimen.  However, having really long talon-like nails with ornate decals is very attractive and an integral part of any serious beauty regimen.  Men consider it cute if your nails are too long to easily operate a pencil or fork.

The chick below takes it to a whole new level with her toes:  Observe the acrylic toenails, french manicure, rhinestone decals and toe ring:

Further proof that there is no such thing as too much.
Makeup
No matter how naturally beautiful you are, the key to looking more beautiful is applying as much makeup as possible.  One hot trend that is really flattering on tan girls is the pale lip.  People will ask themselves, “What. Is. She. Thinking?” every time they look at you and it is precisely that element of mystery that will attract the men like flies.

When applying eye makeup, remember that the goal is to frighten.  The angrier your eyes look the sexier you appear.  Hello, cat eye:

If you don’t have the money to invest in tattooing your eyes with thick black liner, you are going to need to invest in several kilos of opaque black eye shadow and liner.
Don’t forget to apply mascara – 11-12 layers should suffice.  You will know you have properly applied your mascara when your lashes begin to resemble tarantula legs:
For sexy, dramatic eyebrows that say “I’m always surprised!” shave off your natural brow (or permanently remove with depilatory creams) and paint it back on in a really high arch.  It is guaranteed to drive the boys wild with lust.  (See: Pamela Anderson, above)
Finishing Touches
  • Piercings that interfere with your ability to eat or pee normally
  • Tattoos on your lower back and foot (Preferably a tribal tattoo but only if you have absolutely no Native American heritage, otherwise get something like “Strong” or “Sexy” written in Japanese, especially if you are not Japanese)
  • Don’t forget to install an obnoxious pair of hooters!
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