I am not going to tell you how much I love Halloween.  Everyone loves Halloween and everyone talks about how much they love Halloween, and I’m in the business of saying things that people haven’t said before.  Not really, but it’s a better opener than the first one I had: “I looove Halloween; it’s my favorite time of the year; I love when the leaves are on the ground and the smells of pumpkin spice and Fun Size Snickers are in the air, and women ages 12-60 dress up like characters from dirty old mens’ fantasies.”

Last year I realized how much more enjoyable Halloween is when you wear a comfortable costume versus a latex catsuit or lingerie adaptation of a Disney character.  I forwent the naughty nurse/sexy French maid/skanky Rainbow Brite route and went as Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell.  I wore a Bayside High P.E. uniform and white Keds and I was done.  And comfortable.  I felt like a genius as I walked around the city, patiently waiting for my friends to hike up their fishnet stockings and limp onward in their platform heels.

This year, I had originally planned to go as Tom Cruise from Risky Business because underwear and a men’s dress shirt with socks and no shoes is the ultimate no fuss getup.  However, I found a cute mummy costume that would validate the purchase of a cute new pair of shoes.  The cute mummy costume won and, while the mummy costume is not horribly inappropriate for work, it is not terrificaly a-ppropriate so I decided to get a costume that would be acceptable in my office.

I have only been at my new job for a few months now, so it had to be perfectly benign.  Last year, at my previous place of work, I dressed up as one of my coworkers.  She dressed up as me.  Feelings were hurt, HR convened, written warnings were placed in personnel files…  Just kidding, but it is interesting to see how people see you.

I purchased a Waldo (Where’s Waldo?) costume from Amazon and had it shipped to my office.  Tip for having Amazon purchases shipped to your office: find out the name of the company shipping your order before deciding where to have it delivered.  I did not do this, hence my surprise when I went to open the package and saw that the return address label boasted the company name FANTASIE COSTUMES in big, bold letters.

Had I noticed this before the mailroom clerk exited my office, I would have said something like “Oh, good, there’s my work-appropriate Where’s Waldo? long-sleeved t-shirt and stocking cap I’ve been waiting for.”  But I did not and now the mailroom clerk, and whoever he confides in, are going to smirk every time I close my office door.  Conference call my ass, they’ll think.  I wonder what kind of “webinar” she’s doing at two o’clock in the afternoon, they’ll whisper.

All turned out to be for naught, as I later learned that the departments at my company do group costumes, and this year my department has chosen a Mad Men theme.  I don’t think Waldo will fit in, so I am going to keep him around for a rainy day.

The moral of the story is: don’t bother trying to do something respectable (like getting an age or body appropriate costume) because fate will always intervene to make you look like a sexual deviant.

Oh and please, this Halloween, respect your children and pets by avoiding the following: